The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I have tasted many bathrooms
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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