Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
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