Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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