i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I fill condoms, not promises.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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