Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
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