ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
