Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
