I wannas sexs uuuuu
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
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