So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
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