my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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