Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
