I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
