pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I forgot how hot balto sounded
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
