do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
