So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
