I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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