so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
