dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
