what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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