I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
