Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
