We named our party play list daddy issues
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
