i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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