New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
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