Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
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