I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Sober January is a disaster.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
