Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
