I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
