Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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