I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
