Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
Randomize
