you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Randomize
