Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
