he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
