Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
