the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
