i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
