I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Randomize
