final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
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