I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
