I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Randomize
