I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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