The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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