My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
