ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Randomize
