i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
