you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
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