i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Randomize
