She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
