Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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